


you said, baby we don't speak of that

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, harry made dumb decisions, niall and harry don't end up together at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-10
Updated: 2013-10-10
Packaged: 2017-12-29 01:32:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/999292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>He turned not wanting to watch Niall and Zayn fall in love by the second and he got in his car and drove around Bono Creek and pretended Niall was with him and he could just reach over and put his hand right on his knee or he could park the car and they could kiss til their lips were bruised and pink and Niall was panting for breath. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <em>The worst thing about wanting someone, Harry thought was knowing you had them but at the same time you didn’t… not when someone else stuck around for them.</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>In which Harry left, came back, but that wasn't always enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you said, baby we don't speak of that

**Author's Note:**

> Let it be known that Bono Creek, Michigan is not a real place and I don't own anyone or anything (except for bono creek, michigan)
> 
> Title is from Taxi Cab by Vampire Weekend

The first person Harry saw when he came back to Bono’s Creek, Michigan with its long highways that seemed to stretch on for miles and its angry orange leaves was, Maura Niall’s mother in the grocery shop. And she had on her nurses outfit that Harry was so familiar with seeing after years spent stumbling into Niall’s house to find her in the living room worn and tired with the outfit still on and as a child he’d thought that she’d worn that forever… that it was her superhero suit because Niall told him that she saved people. And she’s standing in front of the vegetables section touching some cauliflower and it reminds Harry of how she’d go out and buy these items to make Niall stew because he’d get the worse colds because he never listened and every time it began to snow he went outside and he ran and he tried to do things like sled down Tinny’s Hill only to end up flying off of his sled and landing on his face. And then he’d get sick later on and his asthma would start acting up like a bitch again.

Harry missed Niall and his inhaler and his pink tipped nose and his strawberry cheeks so soft and his hair that was so blonde but it looked so white that it reminded him of the dough he used to knead at Barbara’s Bakery.

Maura was putting the cauliflower into a plastic bag and Harry was about to turn and take off running because it just didn’t seem right but Maura looked up at the perfect time, blue eyes zeroing in on him immediately as if she was searching him out specifically. Her eyes widened a bit and Harry knew that he couldn’t blame her, when he had knocked on his mom’s door that previous morning she had been shocked and she had cried til her eyes had become worn out and tired and too dry for her to do anything else but blink.

“Harry, darling is that really you?” She set the cauliflower into the blue bin that supermarkets provided and she began to walk towards him. Harry still thought about making a run for it but he knew it was far too late and that she would go home and she’d probably tell Niall or someone… maybe Niall wasn’t even around anymore, maybe he’d left Bono’s Creek also. “You’ve grown.” She said although Harry said nothing, although Harry continued to stare at that one silver strand in her invincible looking blonde locks refusing to look into her watery blue eyes.

“Thanks.” He finally said gripping his own basket in his hands.

“I’m so shocked. How long’s it been?” She asked crossing her arms and looking him up and down as if to say ‘i don’t believe it’ and Harry well Harry didn’t believe he’d ever come back also so the feeling was probably mutual.

“Two years.” He said and he thought about how he left after graduation, nineteen and compelled and he’d gotten into his truck and he’d driven all the way to London and Niall had called and he’d said.

“I hope it was worth it.” And Harry was young and dumb and he was looking for things that weren’t really there and searching for people he had all along and Niall sounded angry like Harry had murdered his dog or something. Harry remembered sitting in his car and staring heavily up at the new apartment and the London air was surrounding him in his car and he had laughed a bit.

“It is. You should’ve come with me.” Because he had asked because that was what you did when you loved someone you took off with them with no questions asked but Niall wasn’t like that and they had fights about it. Harry remembered that their only happy moment before graduation was prom and they’d fucked in the back of a rented limo and Niall had begged him not to go and Harry had almost changed his mind. And now standing in the fucking supermarket with the sounds of trolley wheels around him and babies screaming for lollipops he felt so stupid and he had never wanted someone back so bad in his whole entire life.

“Two years? London huh, how was that?”

“I’m assuming Niall told you.” Harry said wincing a bit because he hadn’t said Niall’s name in a long time, it had been stashed inside of him for emergencies like maybe he’d thought that he’d be dying somewhere in the middle of London and Niall was his last saving grace. Maybe he was hoping that he’d be dying somewhere and Niall was his last saving grace.

“He did.” She said nodding with no animosity in her voice. Harry would’ve felt better if she screamed at him and told him to leave them all alone but of course she didn’t say that. “I’m assuming you had fun?”

“I- yeah.” He said and he did have fun and he did and tasted things that he’d never done or tasted in America. But Niall wasn’t with him and Niall didn’t experience London snow with him and they didn’t drink tea in front of an artificial fire place together and they didn’t do cheesy things like fuck under London stars like Harry always hoped. And younger Harry would’ve been mad about it but now Harry understood where Niall was coming from because they just had their lives handed to them after high school and Harry was planning on taking off while Niall was planning on going to the local community college because “I actually want to be something, Harry” and Harry was just some spontaneous child and god Harry missed him so much. Harry wondered if he still smelled like cinnamon and chips and if he still tasted like laughter, like something warm and effervescent on his tongue.

“You should come around. Niall really misses you.” She winked at him and he couldn’t deny the blush that snuck up his face on its own accord.

“I-I don’t really think he does, Mrs. Gallagher.”

She just tittered softly and shook her head whispering a soft ‘kids’ under her breath. “How long do you plan on sticking around for this time?” She asked and Harry shrugged stuffing his hands into his jeans pocket.

“Dunno.” He said.

“Always been a wayward soul, yeah?” She said with a soft smile and he nodded.

“Always.”

“Well I gotta get home, my sweet. But remember you’re always welcome at our home.” And then she was waving at him and walking away and Harry watched her hands coming up to tuck a stray hair behind her ear. And he watched her walk away but unlike how he’d walked away two years ago it wasn’t permanent.

~~

“So you saw Maura at the supermarket?” His mom said when he walked into the house, twirling his keys around his fingers and whistling an old song that reminded him of Niall even though everything seemed to remind him of Niall.

“I did.” Harry said beginning to set the bags on the countertop. The windows were wide open allowing the sun to stream through bravely and Harry loved it. Summer had always been his favorite season and Niall his favorite force of nature.

“How was it?” She asked him helping to put away the things and Harry shrugged.

“Dunno.”

“That’s your answer for everything nowadays… and you’ve established a slight accent.”

“That’s what spending two years of your life in a foreign place does to a person.” Harry muttered beginning to walk away up to his room. He knew he had to get his own place soon and he wondered if Niall had his own place. He probably did because Harry remembered Niall apartment shopping before he took off he remembered Niall talking about moving in together and how good it sounded back then, back when they were young and dumb and in love.

“We should go to dinner with them tonight just like old times.” His mom said and Harry stopped in the middle of the stairs.

“It’s nothing like old times.”

“Yeah it is! We’ll get Gemma and Robin and everything will be perfect I’ll even do my vegetarian casserole that everyone loves.” Harry wanted to laugh at that comment because no one loved it but he didn’t he just chose to turn around and raise an eyebrow at his small mom standing at the bottom of the stairwell with her big smile that meant she thought she had the best idea in the world.

“You, Gemma, and Robin can go but I’m not going anywhere.”

“Don’t be a brat.” She said crossing her arms in front of her and frowning at him like she did when he was younger and did rebellious things like get tattoos and sneak out to see his boyfriend on school nights. She looked prepared to ground him and he rolled his eyes and turned around but of course she wasn’t done. “Is this about Niall? Because it’s not your fault, Harry.”

“Mom, I don’t want to talk about this.”

“I’m your mother.”

“Exactly the reason I’m choosing not to talk about it.” And then he scrambled up to his bedroom and he slammed the door after himself and collapsed into his bed feeling bone tired like his nineteen year old self in his nineteen year old bed thinking in his nineteen year old head. It was hard missing someone that was a few blocks away… it was hard missing someone he knew that probably never wanted to see him again because he was a dick and because he was bad at having relationships.

_Oh, nostalgia could’ve warned me before you came around with a vengeance._

~~

While Harry had been in London he had written Niall postcards almost every day of what he had done. He had millions of them in his little backpack that he had come back to Bono’s Creek with and he woke up in the middle of the night just to read them… just to remind himself that maybe Niall could love him again. Maybe Niall could see that he never stopped no matter how much it seemed like it.

He flipped on his lights and he squinted his eyes at the force of it. The contents of his backpack spilled out when he opened it and started shifting past pens and papers and his passport and he found them at the bottom of the back in envelopes and with his hands shaking and heart quaking he pulled them out. The first envelope was marked- _first summer without you,_ so Harry took that one first.

The post card had a picture of The Big Ben and Harry laughed softly remembering when he had bought the post cards off some lady selling them in the streets, beautifully taken pictures of landmarks in London in front of them. Harry flipped it over and swallowed because written in his loopy handwriting was: _You should’ve come with me; I miss you over here because the sun doesn’t quite shine like you do._ So he went through all of them with tired eyes and laughed breathlessly at his own words and he wondered why he never sent them to Niall and he wondered why he was so fucking chicken shit all the time. The longing broke his own heart and he knew that he would never want someone like he wanted Niall in those simple moments holed up in that simple apartment in the heart of London. He filtered through the “i love you so much” and the “come around, be here” and all the other things that probably made so much sense to him back then. He pressed his forehead to the headboard of his bed and he wondered if Niall was asleep and he wondered if Niall still smoked and he wondered if Niall was still extremely skinny like a pile of bones but beautiful… like chapped lips in the middle of winter.

Harry needed to see him and he needed to see him now and it was aching inside of him and the force of the want was so painful that it threatened to knock him down. He pulled on his shoes, took the postcards, and he grabbed his keys and then he was out of the house, breathing so softly along with the engine inside of him and inside of his car.

And then of course the song that Niall deemed _theirs_ came on in the car and of course Harry started crying because what kind of sick fucking joke was the universe playing on him?

_I fell in love next to you burning fires in this room/ it just fits light and smooth like my feet in my shoes._

The song wasn’t sad; no it was the memory that came with it. It was standing in the middle of the dance floor with a blushing but smiling Niall with Harry’s hand on his waist and Niall’s arm around his neck keeping him grounded and he remembered thinking of staying because Niall was way too beautiful and he’d never ever find another boy like that in any other lifetime and he was right because he had slept with beautiful people in London but no… none of them were pale skin dotted with freckles and golden hair and chakras for eyes because those eyes those damn eyes were the only thing that kept Harry breathing every day. He was an idiot for leaving he had to make it right… he had to let Niall know.

Niall’s childhood home was dark that time of night and Harry felt rude just knocking on the door but he didn’t want to do something stupid and so juvenile like tapping on his window… Niall didn’t even have pebbles around his yard. But Harry looked up at his window anyways, tempted to do something anything because god he just had to and his throat was hurting with the force of it and he couldn’t _breathe._

The lights didn’t turn on and he knew he should’ve asked Niall’s mother for Niall’s address. He didn’t know what to do and he had to see him, he just had to! He looked at his watch, three in the morning. He turned and got back in his truck knowing there was a 24 hour diner that him and Niall used to spend their times at after a ride in Harry’s pick-up truck and they’d sit in their private booth with coffee cooling in front of them twirling it around with spoons and giggling at each other’s lame jokes and wrestling with their feet.

Niall reminded him of tidal waves down in California oceans, taking him so far that it felt impossible to get back to where he was originally but at the same time he didn’t even want to go, Niall was his tidal wave and he wasn’t going to live his life regretting a decision that could possibly change his life.

The diner was open of course and Harry was about to walk inside but he saw Niall and his mouth dropped and he couldn’t fucking believe it but… but Niall was in a booth with a boy, a ridiculously beautiful boy with ridiculously black hair and Harry remembered him from high school. Harry remembered one of their nasty fights and he remembered Niall dating Zayn for two months before Harry came to his senses and apologized and now he’s just standing there watching Niall smile and Harry remembered how that smile used to be for him and maybe… maybe it’s for Zayn now and maybe it will never be for him ever again.

Niall looked sleep rumpled and tired but he looked radiant and Harry… Harry wanted to curl up and die right there but both of them turned their heads and they both spotted him and it’s… it’s slow how everything happened. It’s slow how Niall dropped the coffee in his hand causing it to drop in his lap and it’s slow how Zayn’s eyes widened and then was turning back to Niall who was desperately trying to clean himself up and Harry… Harry was just watching with his arms wrapped around himself and he was thinking about how utterly unlucky he was.

Harry didn’t move from his spot on the curb and when Niall was done cleaning himself up even if he did have a stain on his pants he said something to Zayn and then he was walking out the glass door. Harry watched as he walked towards him like something out of both a dream and a nightmare and then he was tugging Harry away from the glass window and Harry wanted to kiss him so bad and taste him that it felt like a fever and he still smelled of cinnamon and chips with an underlying smell of coffee and smoke and he wondered if Niall still had that bad habit.

They were both standing there with the sky navy behind them and their thoughts hazy around them and Harry’s words just weren’t coming out, all the words he had planned to say to Niall the whole ride from his house to Niall’s to the diner he had them all planned and there is currently nothing but silence. And Harry didn’t mind it… he never minded silence with Niall because they gave him enough time to drink Niall in and to memorize him again.

“What are you doing here?” Niall finally asked. He didn’t sound angry just incredibly tired and pissed off and just out of it.

“I came back.” The ‘for you’ was left unsaid but Harry knew Niall could hear it by the way he backed away softly and winced as if Harry had beaten him unintentionally. “I missed you.” Niall said nothing but he did scoff softly and Harry swallowed. “And I know what you’re thinking-“

“You probably don’t.” Niall cut him off with a sharp look and angry words. “Do you even know me anymore?”

“I always do, Niall. I will always know you.”

“It doesn’t work like that.”

“Why’s that?”

“You left. I couldn’t just sit in my window and wait for you like some fucking army wife, I had life.” Niall said looking him up and down and Harry sighed now feeling like Niall had hit him.

“I was young.”

“So was I. But I stuck around.”

“Not for me.” Harry said and Niall laughed and then he cut himself off with a harsh little whimper that was breaking Harry’s heart.

“I did nothing but stick around for you. I wasn’t going to pack up because you wanted to, you dick.” Niall said stepping closer now apparently finding his courage and Harry stood still as Niall continued. “I still don’t know what you’re doing here but I’ll have you know that I’m not coming back to you I’ve spent too much time grieving.”

“I’m not asking you to.” Harry replied and Niall shut up immediately shifting uncomfortably. “I’m asking you to hear me out… can you do that?” He asked and Niall was still for a bit but then he was finally nodding his head and looking at Harry obviously waiting for him to say something. “I never meant to leave you, okay? I was so stupid and I thought there were bigger things waiting for me in London and I don’t know why when you were everything. And I remember immediately missing you in Bono Creek as soon as I got to London and I knew that you were strong enough to move on but I was not and I could never move on from you. I wish I could though so much… I’m stuck on you.” Niall was silent for a bit and then he ran a hand through his fluffy blonde hair and he shook his head.

“Mom told me you came back but of course I didn’t even believe her but maybe I should’ve because it’s you and you never listened. Probably the most stubborn person I ever met… I ever fell in love with.”

“Do you regret that?” Harry asked him softly and Niall wiped his eyes.

“I really wish I did you know cause you know this would be easy if I did.” Niall shook his head but didn’t look at Harry and Harry knew that he had to get whatever he needed to over with before Niall decided he wasn’t worth it anymore, before he decided to walk away with Zayn.

“I want to show you something.” Harry said poking his head to the direction of his car and Niall looked back at the diner where they both knew Zayn was waiting around but Niall nodded anyway and Harry couldn’t believe how much Niall still trusted him… loved him. Why’d he ever let Niall go? Why was he ever so stupid?

Together they both walked to Harry’s pick up and Niall scoffed and when Harry looked back at him he was touching the car in awe.

“You still have her?”

“Yeah.”

“She’s your baby.” Niall whispered and Harry laughed.

“You’re my number one though.” Niall blushed and didn’t say anything as Harry pulled the door open and pulled the postcards off the passenger seat and he handed them to Niall. He watched as Niall leaned on the car and started reading through them and he stopped at the fifth one and looked up at Harry with glassy eyes that looked like they might break.

“What are these?”

“I wrote them to you when I was in London but I never got a chance to send it to you. I do love you, Niall… like you would never imagine. I wish I could change what I did two years ago but I can’t… I can only hope to fix it.”

“It wasn’t broken.” Niall whispered and Harry stared at him.

“It wasn’t?”

“I wish it was. But you know I can’t do this right? I can’t uhm break up with Zayn for you Harry but if you came here for some closure here it is.” Niall reached up and pressed his lips to Harry’s softly and Harry bathed in the fact that he did still taste like laughter with an underlying taste of forgiveness and then he was pulling away with a stray tear trickling down his face but he wiped it away quickly. “I still love you also and I’ve missed you every second.”

“I’ll never leave again.” Harry said watching as Niall began to walk away back to the diner with the postcards held tightly in his hands and he sighed.

“That’s good. I hope you’re great, Harry. I hope things work out.” _Not with us though_ , Harry could hear those words even though Niall didn’t say them. And then he was disappearing into the diner leaving Harry to watch it and wish for him to come back but… he felt complete now like he’d just done the evitable. He turned not wanting to watch Niall and Zayn fall in love by the second and he got in his car and drove around Bono Creek and pretended Niall was with him and he could just reach over and put his hand right on his knee or he could park the car and they could kiss til their lips were bruised and pink and Niall was panting for breath.

The worst thing about wanting someone, Harry thought was knowing you had them but at the same time you didn’t… not when someone else stuck around for them.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm bored and thinking of ideas for my chaptered story so i wrote this. it's shit we know.


End file.
